Tacky love thoughts

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings, I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again... You might not understand but I gave you the best of me, and after you left nothing was ever the same.. I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance. We're still young. We still have time to make this right...We still have the rest of our lives."-Nicholas Sparks I don't know what has drawn me so closely to Ryan, what it is that makes him absolutely perfect in my eyes, but I do know that I am going to spend every single day, cherishing that opposed to trying to solve why.. The reasoning is because I know why, I know exactly what makes my heart glow. HIM. It is is smile, his laugh, his eyes, his thoughts, his words, his prayer, his character, his stubbornness, his manners, his dreams, his plans. Just everything that has to do with him, makes me even happier. It is the way he tilts his head when he focuses on one thing. It is the way he smiles through his eyes. It is unbelievable and scary to think of how he and I came to be, and I will not lie- I am terrified of what his family thinks.. I wouldn't know what to think if I was in his families situation. You can't help who you fall for, and honestly I fell slowly, but then, all of a sudden like falling asleep, you start falling asleep slowly, then all of a sudden you are asleep. All of a sudden, I am in love. It is a terrifying thought, love. I don't know why it scares me so much, but ironically it does.I think the worst part of this, is that, I am not scared of him hurting me, I am scared of me hurting him. I am scared of his family being upset with him, his mission president, I am scared he will end up becoming disapointed in himself. I can't let that happen. Now if I will ever let him know specifically how I feel, I don't know.. that is the beauty in not knowing what twist and turn will hit today, what possibility could occur. I will never know..I do know one thing though- I am and will be still waiting here, until the moment, I can finally place my hand in his.

May 10th.

I have been waiting for two letters for what seems like forever.

On monday I got a text from my mom saying I got to letters and she will forward them to me, she sent them out on tuesday, they still haven't gotten here. I am going nuts, I don't even know what to do with myself. 

I am dying to know what is in those last 2 letters. 

I am going crazy.

the last two letters were confusing. He and his companion went to the temple and in the celestial room him and his companion had a thought. The same thought. 
he wont tell me what it was, not until he and I go through the temple together sometime.

Update on the wait.

505 days left until my missionary returns home, it is actually funny because I posted in a group page I am on 509 more days today. Turns out time is flying a lot faster then I expected. 
When you really think about it 2 years isn't that long, when I look back it is crazy to think that 3 months ago my missionary told me he likes me, it feels like just yesterday, or should I say Monday (It's a p-day email pun).

So update on him and I; 

I returned back to Idaho a bit earlier then intended, so yes, I am now back in his mission area, and he is exactly 88 miles from me.. that is less then an hour and a half away. The irony. Actually, it isn't very ironic, it sucks. Well he didn't know I was leaving early, because well I didn't either, so he has sent me two separate letters that my mom has forwarded to me on Tuesday... SO either tomorrow or the next day I should get it. I want them NOW. Well, his old companion from my area came to my house with his new companion, and caught up with me, it was nice. 
Well I get on my email and I have an email from Ryan saying Elder Welling called him and informed him of me being back, and he was shocked. So this means no more letters. We are still going to email- and every 2 weeks we are sending a memory card to eachother, so he can see what I have been up to, and I can get about 5 pics from him. haha, he doesn't like seeing himself in pictures. So 5 pictures and a video will probably be what I get. I am okay with that. 
We continued on with our email and began talking about random things (mostly me being scared he will stop caring for me, that I am just a "phase" due to the situation of us meeting, well he reassured me that his feelings are true, and they wont go away). Then the time came for a goodbye, he said "well until next monday my crazy girl" (he told me in I want to say the 3rd letter I got from him to listen to the song crazy girl, cause when he met me, he thought of that song, and thought, man I want that crazy girl..so he says he thought that..) My response was "is it cliche I get really happy when you say MY?" He responded quickly with "no because you are mine and no one else can have you" (so funny story, I feel most creative in the bathroom so I sit in the shower or on the floor to type. Well a spider just crawled on the floor next to me and it was huge, so I jumped on the sink and screamed for my grandpa so he came in and squished it.) okay so back to the story! After he said that I responded with "good, that makes you mine and no one else can have you, got it?" 
his response was "yes ma'am".. he is the sweetest thing. 

I will post when I get the letters. But last night I went through all the letters he has sent to me, and let me tell you, I was in disbelief, I looked at his picture and thought "no way". I couldn't believe, that he chose me. I can't believe God has blessed me with this wonderful man.