Tacky love thoughts

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings, I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again... You might not understand but I gave you the best of me, and after you left nothing was ever the same.. I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance. We're still young. We still have time to make this right...We still have the rest of our lives."-Nicholas Sparks I don't know what has drawn me so closely to Ryan, what it is that makes him absolutely perfect in my eyes, but I do know that I am going to spend every single day, cherishing that opposed to trying to solve why.. The reasoning is because I know why, I know exactly what makes my heart glow. HIM. It is is smile, his laugh, his eyes, his thoughts, his words, his prayer, his character, his stubbornness, his manners, his dreams, his plans. Just everything that has to do with him, makes me even happier. It is the way he tilts his head when he focuses on one thing. It is the way he smiles through his eyes. It is unbelievable and scary to think of how he and I came to be, and I will not lie- I am terrified of what his family thinks.. I wouldn't know what to think if I was in his families situation. You can't help who you fall for, and honestly I fell slowly, but then, all of a sudden like falling asleep, you start falling asleep slowly, then all of a sudden you are asleep. All of a sudden, I am in love. It is a terrifying thought, love. I don't know why it scares me so much, but ironically it does.I think the worst part of this, is that, I am not scared of him hurting me, I am scared of me hurting him. I am scared of his family being upset with him, his mission president, I am scared he will end up becoming disapointed in himself. I can't let that happen. Now if I will ever let him know specifically how I feel, I don't know.. that is the beauty in not knowing what twist and turn will hit today, what possibility could occur. I will never know..I do know one thing though- I am and will be still waiting here, until the moment, I can finally place my hand in his.

May 10th.

I have been waiting for two letters for what seems like forever.

On monday I got a text from my mom saying I got to letters and she will forward them to me, she sent them out on tuesday, they still haven't gotten here. I am going nuts, I don't even know what to do with myself. 

I am dying to know what is in those last 2 letters. 

I am going crazy.

the last two letters were confusing. He and his companion went to the temple and in the celestial room him and his companion had a thought. The same thought. 
he wont tell me what it was, not until he and I go through the temple together sometime.

Update on the wait.

505 days left until my missionary returns home, it is actually funny because I posted in a group page I am on 509 more days today. Turns out time is flying a lot faster then I expected. 
When you really think about it 2 years isn't that long, when I look back it is crazy to think that 3 months ago my missionary told me he likes me, it feels like just yesterday, or should I say Monday (It's a p-day email pun).

So update on him and I; 

I returned back to Idaho a bit earlier then intended, so yes, I am now back in his mission area, and he is exactly 88 miles from me.. that is less then an hour and a half away. The irony. Actually, it isn't very ironic, it sucks. Well he didn't know I was leaving early, because well I didn't either, so he has sent me two separate letters that my mom has forwarded to me on Tuesday... SO either tomorrow or the next day I should get it. I want them NOW. Well, his old companion from my area came to my house with his new companion, and caught up with me, it was nice. 
Well I get on my email and I have an email from Ryan saying Elder Welling called him and informed him of me being back, and he was shocked. So this means no more letters. We are still going to email- and every 2 weeks we are sending a memory card to eachother, so he can see what I have been up to, and I can get about 5 pics from him. haha, he doesn't like seeing himself in pictures. So 5 pictures and a video will probably be what I get. I am okay with that. 
We continued on with our email and began talking about random things (mostly me being scared he will stop caring for me, that I am just a "phase" due to the situation of us meeting, well he reassured me that his feelings are true, and they wont go away). Then the time came for a goodbye, he said "well until next monday my crazy girl" (he told me in I want to say the 3rd letter I got from him to listen to the song crazy girl, cause when he met me, he thought of that song, and thought, man I want that crazy girl..so he says he thought that..) My response was "is it cliche I get really happy when you say MY?" He responded quickly with "no because you are mine and no one else can have you" (so funny story, I feel most creative in the bathroom so I sit in the shower or on the floor to type. Well a spider just crawled on the floor next to me and it was huge, so I jumped on the sink and screamed for my grandpa so he came in and squished it.) okay so back to the story! After he said that I responded with "good, that makes you mine and no one else can have you, got it?" 
his response was "yes ma'am".. he is the sweetest thing. 

I will post when I get the letters. But last night I went through all the letters he has sent to me, and let me tell you, I was in disbelief, I looked at his picture and thought "no way". I couldn't believe, that he chose me. I can't believe God has blessed me with this wonderful man. 

The list

I will accomplish all these things before Ryan comes home.

[  ] Road trip to see Marcie

[  ] Meet Ellen Degeneres (or you know, be at her show)

[  ] Write the novel that you know you have inside you.

[  ] Skydiving

[  ] Raft/ back pack the grand canyon

[  ] Attend a major sport event

[  ] Camp on a beach

[  ] GET ENDOWED

these are all big things, I am going to start monthly drawings- I will grab a piece of paper out of a jar and it will have a little thing on it that I have to accomplish, try, or do within that month time frame.

Ba-boom

So I am about to hit my 20th birthday.. I got a package for it, it was from Ryan, it was 3 pictures of him wearing the bow tie I made him for Christmas, a birthday card, and one of his favorite t-shirt. Which I am wearing in said photo. So I get a lot of dirty looks based on the fact that I stand out and am a little bit different then some other girls lets make a fun list okay?

1. I am growing my hair out and its in the MULLET stage.

2. I am awkwardly pale.

3. I wear 80's clothes & leggings all the time (I hate pants)

4. I have tattoos and am LDS.

5. I am socially awkward. 

Now when you read socially awkward what do you imagine? A super shy woman that does nothing to talk to people? Well...that's me on a good day, usually- I am trying my hardest to embarrass anyone I am talking to or make them feel uncomfy, why? you may ask, because I find it funny. I find it funny for people to look at me like "oh... she was kidding". 

So thats all I feel like writing about today. See ya next time kids.

The hatred towards LDS.

Today I want to talk about something very near and dear to me.
I am LDS and I am proud to be LDS.
There was a book brought to me from a Catholic friend of mine, that was given out to her from the church. It was a book on how to answer to mormons.
I looked at the index and I was impressed, because I saw it had LDS beliefs. a very nice sounding index.
So I flipped to it. What I read was shocking, it went on to say how Mormons beliefs is similar to greek mythology, that we believe in multiple Gods. It went on to say how Mormon missionaries will at all cost tell you how wrong your church is...

I was shocked.
sad.
mad.
confused.

LDS believes in ONE God. I have never heard of a missionary saying how wrong a church is. I was disapointed that this book was being distributed to teens, in order to help them "understand" my religion, but giving them false information on the Church will not help them understand anything. I am just so shocked to hear how wrong they could be about their "theory" of our "belief system".

I don't care what your opinion of me being LDS is,
I am happy where I am, where I stand with God, what I will be doing, and how I will be growing as a person.
If you are going to speak poorly of my church, atleast make sure you are not going on false information.

I am genuinely offended because I don't get why it is a big deal what LDS members believe.

Since that day, my Catholic friend and I have started reading the Book of Mormon together, and have started her lessons with missionaries. I didn't pursuade her, I didn't tell her she had to come to our church.
What I told her, was the LDS true belief, what we have, what eternity is, how sacred everything is, and how beautiful you will see yourself and others.
She see's the happiness I have and she wants it.

RGP.

It all started in a land far far away in Carey Idaho, a very small town where if you blink you pass it. Well I moved there from Phoenix az on September 11th 2012. 
I slowly became interested in the church, so my curiosity was being overwhelming. 
I began meeting with the missionaries the end of October, start of November. 
No offense but when I thought of missionaries I thought of creepy little boys who were heaven bent on getting me wet. Literally. 
Well I was meeting at a friends parents house with the missionaries because my family is against the church. 
Well I opened the door and there stood this red head. I was confused, he was cute. We talked and he proved to be more and more normal and I fell for him more and more. 
December 1st I was baptized. It was really cool because I was his first baptism, his first convert, everything. 
He was the one that confirmed me, and it was even funnier because once he confirmed me (he had told me prior that he is so scared he was going to mess up) well I was confirmed in front of everyone in church that Sunday, so my nervous overbearing self decided to say (accidentally pretty loud) “SEE I TOLD YOU YOU WOULDN’T MESS UP!”
He turned so red, looked at me and said, go sit down.
Hahaha.
I remember the first time I had them over for dinner at MY ACTUAL house, I was cooking all day to make enchiladas, needless to say it was a waist. They came out horrible, I ruined it, everyone had only 1. But Ryan, he went back for seconds, thirds, he even had 4. When I whispered to him, Hey I know they suck you don’t have to eat them, he said no he wanted to, they were pretty good (total lie). 
At that moment I knew he would make a woman proud one day. I so badly wanted her to be me, but I knew he deserved someone better.
Someone, not so, different. 
It was a Thursday and thurday is volley ball night at the church, it is also the night they came and stayed with a family in town. Well they stopped by the church, and somehow I used my power of pursuasian to convince him and his companion to play, they immeaditely joined in on my team. It was the 3 of us in the front I was in the middle. The ball was coming over the net it was perfect for me to block, I called out mine, but right when I did, a tall ginger yelled got it, jumped into the air pushing me onto my back on the ground and him stepping over me, I screamed and covered my head scared he was going to step on me on the way down, I remember looking up after a minute, he was so red, so embarrassed he helped me up and apologized so many times it was unbelievable. His companion was crying he was laughing so hard.
When I first moved to Idaho, I was a run away, I ran from my mom, step dad, everyone. I changed my number and it all, and basically deleted everyone from my life. Well one night I took my grandmothers phone and I talked to my mom, her and I were fighting so I went upstairs so my grandma could hear what she was saying to me, I was crying. I wasn’t crying I was sobbing, I was a wreck, mascara was falling down my face, and I was in a onesie. (it was Christmas time don’t judge). And all of a sudden my door bell rings so I give the phone to my grandma and went down stairs, (the door is right by the stairs, and it’s a glass door so you could see me perfectly from outside) I look and its ryan and his companion… they saw me and start laughing… I was so embarrassed I opened the door and was like one minute. Closed the door and left them outside in snow while I changed then invited them in. hahaha. They could tell I had been crying. Ryan looked at me with such soft sad eyes, later on I ended up having a talk with his companion, and he told me that they were at a families house, and he had this feeling that I was in trouble, he had a prompting that he needed to see me. So that’s what he did. 
We did a bunch of activities together…
But one Thursday I was at the church playing volleyball and basically what happened was I was sitting there and I had a seizure. I felt it was coming on and told my friends to call and then it happened. The ambulance was called. Well my name wasn’t given to the ambulance, nor my gender, nor what happened. And basically Ryan and his new companion were at dinner with the ambulance drivers at their house, and when they got the call, he had a gut feeling it was me, so he followed the ambulance and actually got to the church and gave me a blessing before I was sent off. The whole situation was horrible. But he was there every step afterward him and his companion making sure I was okay.
A few weeks later, I am told I need to see a specialist in Arizona, that whats going on is a mystery it is serious. 
Well, saying good bye to him was the hardest thing I had ever done. We stood there awkwardly looking at eachother before him and his companion left. Just staring, he looked so sad, I just wanted a hug and to be told that it was going to be okay. I wanted so badly to hear it would be okay, that he loved me. 
But we said good bye with tears in our eyes and a handshake, that is how I spent 5 months falling for this man harder and harder. With every scripture he quoted, every sarcastic joke he said. Every clumsy act. Well I am in Arizona have been for a while now, and we wrote eachother, he actually wrote to my house the day that I left. It took him 3 weeks of writing for him to admit how he feels. It feels great because our feelings grow stronger, we both know it. 
He says the best part, is we weren’t expecting eachother, God just put us there for eachother, perfectly. 
I was his first area he served. 11 days after I moved in September he left for the mtc, then got sent to carey. 
It went perfect. He hurt his knee so his mission got postponed if it handnt if everything didn’t mess up, fix and change, I would of never met the man that has made eternity not sound scary. 
And that Is how I met my missionary. Now I hopefully will be returning back to Idaho soon, but what this means, is I will no longer be in contact with him… for more then a year. But you know what… I am okay with that. Because 2 years means nothing to the potential of eternity. His heart is locked to mine, and mine to his.
That is my perfectly imperfect love story. But its mine, and that is the best.